You all have potentially given up reading this blog, as my posting as of late has been almost non-existent. Except for the usual business of life, there really is nothing keeping me from posting...honestly, I think the fact that my Jace is no longer with me keeps me away from typing at times, because when I started this blog page he was still here.

God is so incredibly faithful! Through this whole journey He has never ceased to reveal to us His presence, His love, and His sustaining grace. My heart still aches for my little man Jace, but with the ache is also a contentment and an understanding. I know he is in such a better place, and I also know that this whole circumstance has been for the glory of our Lord as well as for our growth as His people. I no longer ask why because I know why. I can see the work the Lord continues to do through little Jace. If I ever doubted that the Lord works all things for good for those who love Him, I can certainly not doubt it now. Although I miss my baby, I wouldn't trade this experience...I am a new person, and my perspective on life and on my relationship with my Creator has done a complete 180. I realize now so clearly what it means to "take up my cross and follow the Lord." It's not meant to be easy...but it is meant to be filled with grace and love, no matter how hard we fall or how much we bleed in the process. The pain in this life only makes the glory of heaven more desirable. Jace...how blessed you are my little son to be missing this life for the constant presence and glory of the Lord!!

The real purpose of this blog entry today is to tell you all a story that has been a long time coming. As you might or might not know, I am almost ten weeks pregnant with our second little blessing. Yes, you might cry, as I do almost every day, realizing once again how amazing our God is. Perhaps the story of this second pregnancy will increase your faith almost as much as it has increased that of myself and my husband.

Two weeks before Jace died, I was praying about more children, simply asking the Lord whether or not He was going to bless us again. I felt very clearly the Lord tell me that I would get pregnant again soon after Jace died. At the time, of course, this was almost a devastating answer, because I didn't want to say goodbye to my little man. Well, early in July I started to have slight pregnancy symptoms. Towards the middle of the month I decided to take a pregnancy test. I remember very clearly looking at the test, comprehending that it was negative, and asking God why. All of a sudden, I heard His very clear response: "Would you still believe that you are pregnant even with a negative pregnancy test? Would you completely rely on my promise to you instead of trying to rely on man-made mechanisms?" My response, of course, to my Lord, was, "no, I need proof with a pregnancy test." So a few days later I took another test with the same negative result, again hearing the Lord tell me that the test would not be positive as He wanted me to believe that I was pregnant without it.

Completely torn up, I spent several days struggling with the Lord, demanding proof, and failing to get any. To top it off, every devotional that I read for that entire week talked of faith and how true faith is relying on God's faithfulness and promises even when everything points against it. Finally, I gave up. "Okay Lord, I'm going to take this step of faith with you. I'm going to try to believe that I'm pregnant, even without a positive pregnancy test result." The very next day I woke up extremely nauseous, with all the pregnancy symptoms in full force. The Lord was certainly helping me out with my faith. A few days later my husband Danny told me that he really felt we needed to tell our families before we got a confirmation from a doctor. So we proceeded to take that step of faith, telling our families that we believed we were pregnant, even with a negative pregnancy test. After several long weeks of faith, and after telling numerous friends of the pregnancy, I finally got into a doctor last week. Yes, there on the ultrasound was a beautifully formed little baby...confirmation and "proof" in the medical sense of the term of God's faithfulness and love. I wish I could say that I will never doubt my Lord again, but I know my sinful heart. However, our faith has certainly grown through realizing that the Lord makes promises to His people that He never breaks. If we rely on these promises, we don't have to fear.

I pray that this story reveals to you the importance of listening to the guidance and direction of our Lord, as well as following His direction no matter what the cost. In risking seeming ridiculous to friends and family, Danny and I took a step of faith that ultimately has brought more glory to the Lord than if we had succumbed to fear and had decided not to tell anyone of our pregnancy until after we got medical "proof." Although it wasn't easy, and I cried and fought the whole time, I praise the Lord every day for glorifying His name already through the life of our new little one.