Reading in "Streams of the Desert" this morning, I came across a story in the devotional about the different types of faith, as demonstrated by 3 different women. The woman who showed the most faith got the least attention from God, but this is what God says about her:

"Yet the 3rd woman whom I seemed not to notice and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest of services. She knows me so intimately and trusts in me so completely that she no longer depends on my voice, loving glances, or other outward appearances to know of my approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later. My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, My love is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."

Today is exactly one month from the day our little Jace said goodbye to us and hello to Jesus. This past month has been filled with grief, emptiness, loss, doubt, and yet even through all that, an understanding and knowledge of a deeper love than I had ever imagined. I might have and still be questioning God, but I am not left in any doubt of the purpose and plan God had in Jace's life and then also in his death. It has been and continues to be a harder journey than I ever imagined encountering. Even so, I know God has and continues to give me the strength to face every circumstance, no matter what, with joy and reliance on Him.

I am beginning to realize that our journey with Jace is not over, rather, it is only just beginning--the start of a journey of unknowns that is always preparing us for eternity. I know that I don't have the unquestioning and unwavering faith of the woman mentioned in the first part of this entry. However, I want to have that kind of faith and I know it will take God working on me to get it.

My heart still aches for my little Jace--I don't think the ache will ever go away. Danny and I both miss the baby voice filling the apartment. I know that the emptiness, as well as everything else, is in God's hands.

Psalm 125:1- "Those who trust in the Lord are like Mt. Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever." I was reading in "Streams of the Desert" this morning and it talked of God bringing His people to a place of complete internal peace which cannot be shaken by anything life dishes out. Paul, for example, was told that he would face imprisonment and death, yet he was not shaken because God had brought him to a point where he counted his own life and possessions of no value compared to the will and glory of the Lord.

I am reminded of a statement Betsy Tenboom made to her sister, Corrie, in The Hiding Place: "There are no 'ifs' or 'buts' in God's world, Corrie--the safest place for us to be is in the center of His will." Betsy meant that only because God wills things to happen do they happen at all. No matter what is going on around us in life, we can trust that God has promised us an eternity with Him, no matter what happens to us here on earth. Every trial is bringing us just a little bit closer to Christ and to the glory of heaven. This realization is what can give us that internal peace which Paul experienced. What a beautiful gift we have been given: the prospect of an eternal glory praising our amazing Creator. Everything else in our future is unknown, but one thing is certain because God has promised it: an eternity with Him, spent in ceaseless praise and adoration of our Creator. Beautiful prospect!

Sometimes when I think of my little Jace I feel so joyful and thankful realizing that God chose to spare him a long life of cares here on earth. While my little man's short life here was a struggle, he is so soon getting to experience the fullness of the Lord in heaven. Thank You, Father, for such a gift. Even though it hurts so much to tell our little man goodbye so soon, our first son is experiencing what we have only to look forward to.

Psalm 46:1- "God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble, therefore we will not fear..."

In Acts 20:17-35 Paul speaks to his church in Ephesus of the blood and tears that have wrought the ministry of Jesus Christ. He says, "But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

I am realizing that to be a "comfortable Christian" is not what God is asking of Danny and me. He is asking that we literally take up Christ's cross and follow a road that for our Lord was filled with anguish and pain--suffering leading up to glory. The cross of Christ is not a light thing to carry, as I'm slowly beginning to realize. I've been asked to give my first son back to Christ's arms before I've been able to have much time with him on earth--this is part of the road of suffering (to glory) that Danny and I have been asked to walk.

I can't say that I've willingly followed this path. What I can say, though, is that God has given me the strength to follow it along with a greater faith and trust in Him than I ever imagined possible. As my dear mom likes to put it: faith is not a blind leap in the dark but rather it is seeing no path before us and yet still believing that when we take a step, God will put something there to catch us from falling. I'm beginning to be able to take that step with trust instead of doubt.

Over the past couple of weeks since our little man went to see Jesus, Danny and I have been showered with love, prayers, and encouragement through cards and books in the mail. It's been such a blessing to be able to open up our mail at the end of the day and read such words of comfort from those who are constantly praying for us. How amazing is the body of Christ!! Last night, we received a card from Caroline "Sanders" Cone. The card contained the words to a song by Twila Paris...words that are so beautiful and fitting to what we've gone through with little Jace. I don't think I've yet read anything that so closely matches what Danny and I are feeling as the words to this song does...I cried and cried after reading them!

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile.

A visitor from Heaven,
Accompanied by grace,
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place.

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name.
It hurts so much to let you go,
But we're so glad you came.
We're so glad you came.

A visitor from Heaven,
If only for a day.
We thank Him for the time He gave,
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care.
Held in the everlasting arms,
And we're so glad you're there.
We're so glad you're there.

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name.
It hurts so much to let you go,
But we're so glad you came,
We're so glad you came.