Reading in "Streams of the Desert" this morning, I came across a story in the devotional about the different types of faith, as demonstrated by 3 different women. The woman who showed the most faith got the least attention from God, but this is what God says about her:

"Yet the 3rd woman whom I seemed not to notice and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest of services. She knows me so intimately and trusts in me so completely that she no longer depends on my voice, loving glances, or other outward appearances to know of my approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later. My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, My love is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."

Today is exactly one month from the day our little Jace said goodbye to us and hello to Jesus. This past month has been filled with grief, emptiness, loss, doubt, and yet even through all that, an understanding and knowledge of a deeper love than I had ever imagined. I might have and still be questioning God, but I am not left in any doubt of the purpose and plan God had in Jace's life and then also in his death. It has been and continues to be a harder journey than I ever imagined encountering. Even so, I know God has and continues to give me the strength to face every circumstance, no matter what, with joy and reliance on Him.

I am beginning to realize that our journey with Jace is not over, rather, it is only just beginning--the start of a journey of unknowns that is always preparing us for eternity. I know that I don't have the unquestioning and unwavering faith of the woman mentioned in the first part of this entry. However, I want to have that kind of faith and I know it will take God working on me to get it.

My heart still aches for my little Jace--I don't think the ache will ever go away. Danny and I both miss the baby voice filling the apartment. I know that the emptiness, as well as everything else, is in God's hands.