Here are some excerpts from our little Jace's funeral service. I have posted the words to the song I sang as well as the words Danny spoke about his son.
"Praise You In This Storm"- Casting Crowns
I was sure by now God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper
Through the rain "I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you and you raised me up again.
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You?
But as the thunder rolls I barely hear You
Whisper through the rain "I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord the Maker of Heaven and Earth.
That song that Lauren just got done singing definitely applies to the season that we have been in with Jace. It has been a really hard season but a season in which God’s goodness has been magnified. God has used all of you to bless us immensely. Thank you for praying, for cooking meals, for giving money, and for speaking words of encouragement to us. God has been so good to us in regards to financial contributions so much so that we actually have more money in our bank accounts today than we did before Jace was born. God is always faithful to provide. It has been amazing to be at the receiving end of such an outpouring of love.
I wanted to invite y’all into my family’s life by sharing some of my memories of Jace. In one respect, Jace was very much like me. He was so fascinated with Lauren’s hair to the point that he would just lie in her arms staring as Lauren would periodically shake her head back and forth to entertain Jace with her swishing hair. I too love staring at Lauren and especially take notice of her hair.
Jace was also a bit of a squirmer. At times he would disappear from his bed or so we thought. Because we needed to keep him elevated with his constant feeding and issues with reflux, we kept Jace slightly propped up when he slept. Due to the elevation and his constant movement, sometimes he would slide down in his bed to the point where he was scrunched up, totally covered by his blanket. When this happened, he would vocalize his discontent with the cutest cry you’ve ever heard. I’m sorry to say that I cannot reproduce such a cry thus am not able to convince y’all of the extent of its cuteness.
Jace loved to lie on his momma’s chest. If you were able to visit him at the hospital, you would most likely find him with his head resting over Lauren’s heart. The downside to Jace’s preference was that Lauren often needed to visit the restroom. So I would have to fill in for mom until she got back from the bathroom. Jace did not like this periodic switch and would often cry until mom returned. Most often I would encourage Lauren to hold Jace because I wanted him to be comfortable. Thankfully, he eventually warmed up to me or more accurately I began to cater to how he liked to be held.
One final memory centers on Jace’s eyes. Right after Jace was born, the first thing that I noticed was his eyes mainly because they were wide open. In fact, Jace’s eyes were the last thing I noticed minutes before he died. Lauren and I often wondered what color Jace’s eyes would be. It appeared as though his eyes were tending towards a lighter shade of blue or green, but it was clear that he was a brown-eyed boy like his Daddy when I looked him in the eye as he was taking his final breaths.
God not only sustained Jace through this season but he sustained Lauren and me as well. 2 Corinthians 12:9 states that God’s “grace is sufficient for [us], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness.” Jace’s weakness was apparent in his broken body while Lauren and I felt weak because we had minimal control over our son’s situation. We could not have weathered this storm without God’s help, and it’s God who will see us through the mourning process. It’s been a blessing as well to see how God has used all of you to bear this burden with us.
Thank y’all again for being here. I know that funerals can be hard because you don’t know what to say to us but know that just being here to support us is a blessing. Now I would like to speak a blessing over y’all that I often prayed over Jace: “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace” (Numbers 6:24-26).
There is one more story I want to tell y’all. One book was highly instrumental in helping us through our hard journey with Jace. This book is called The Hiding Place. In the program, there is an excerpt from Lauren’s blog that talks about the influence reading that book had on us. We have some copies of the book out in the foyer that we would love for y’all to take, but the story about the buying of these books is really cool. Lauren’s parents happened to stop by Half Priced Books to see how many copies of the book they could get. As they were looking through the books, they came across one book that actually had Jace’s name written on it. It’s amazing how God works in our lives. That Lauren’s parents would stop at that particular book store and find that particular book is something only God could orchestrate.
These are the words I briefly added to what Danny spoke at the service:
Danny and I often prayed that God would heal Jace. We know that at last He has. Our little man is now in the arms of Jesus, and although it’s hard not to have him in our arms, we know that he’s in better hands now. Heaven only seems that much closer knowing that our little boy is there. One day, we’ll see our Jace again.
We miss you so much, little Jace. Our home is very empty without you, but we know you are happier where you are now. Know that your Mommy and Daddy will always love you. Goodbye sweet boy...for now, but not forever.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
One week ago, June 14th, Danny and I laid our little Jace in the arms of Jesus. As suddenly as our little man appeared into our lives, he just as suddenly slipped peacefully into heaven. Although there are still so many unanswered questions going around in my mind as to why Jace had to leave us so quickly, I know one thing is for certain. My prayer for our Jacer has finally been answered: he is healed. The memories are still too fresh and the ache for my son is still too sharp for me to really be able to share everything about these last several weeks. Soon, I will be able to write more here.
Danny and I wake up every morning under the knowledge that although we won't ever see our son again here on earth, we are promised a reunion in heaven. And what a joyful reunion that will be. One day. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for giving us some time with Jace, even if to us it seemed so short. Thank You for holding our little son now in Your arms and for giving him what we could not: a whole and perfect body.
Danny and I wake up every morning under the knowledge that although we won't ever see our son again here on earth, we are promised a reunion in heaven. And what a joyful reunion that will be. One day. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for giving us some time with Jace, even if to us it seemed so short. Thank You for holding our little son now in Your arms and for giving him what we could not: a whole and perfect body.
Monday, June 9, 2008
"You are my hiding place and my shield;
I hope in Your Word.
Depart from me, you evildoers,
that I may keep the commandments
of my God.
Uphold me according to Your promise,
that I may live,
and let me not be put to shame in my hope!"
Psalm 119:113-118
Not long ago, Danny and I finished reading the powerful book The Hiding Place written by Corrie Ten Boom--Corrie's personal account of being thrust from the life of a simple Dutch watch-maker into the nightmarish existence of a Concentration Camp in central Germany. "You are my hiding place and my shield" was a verse often referenced in this book describing the life of powerful people of faith looking to the strength of Christ to get them through the most horrendous circumstances. This book not only challenged Danny and I in our walk of faith, but it also offered comfort as we go through the most difficult thing we've yet been through in life. I'm going to use this blog space to share a few thoughts from the book that changed our perspective on how we not only view our own lives, but also the life of our little precious Jace.
One of the hardest things that Danny and I have had to come to grips with over the past three months is the idea of death. Death is probably one of the most feared events, simply because it is inevitable and it is something that we cannot understand. Losing a loved one has long been a fear of mine, and being faced with the possibility of losing a son has often been impossible for me to grasp or deal with. The Hiding Place describes times when death was not only eminent, it was a daily aspect of life for the people in the story. At one point, Corrie tells her dad that she wouldn't be able to bear it if he died, and her dad responds with one of the wisest statements I have yet heard in regards to death. "...our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things too," Corrie's father states, "Don't run ahead of Him Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need--just in time." Danny and I have come to the realization that no matter when our Lord chooses to take Jace into His arms, we will have the strength at that moment to let him go.
Personally, I've struggled recently to be content with the circumstances I find myself in. Sometimes I look at Jace and I wish desperately that he were well, that things were normal. I've realized that in wishing this I'm basing happiness or contentment on what's going on around me or how comfortable I feel. In the Hiding Place, Corrie's mom makes a statement that I constantly carry with me: "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings, Corrie. It's something we make inside ourselves" (37). I am often reminded of Paul's statement in Philippians 4:11-13--"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned that in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." In other words, Christ can give us the strength to have contentment no matter what circumstance or situation we are in.
There are so many wonderful quotes in this book, that it would take me weeks to sit down and write about my thoughts on each one of them. Instead, I will simply write the quotes down for you to read and work your mind over. My hope is that these quotes bless and teach you as much as they blessed and taught Danny and I.
"But if God has shown us bad times ahead, it's enough for me that He knows about them. That's why He sometimes shows us things, you know--to tell us that this too is in His hands" (63).
"There are no 'if's' in God's world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety--O Corrie, let us pray that we may always know it" (67)!
"Love. How did one show it? How could God Himself show truth and love at the same time in a world like this? By dying. The answer stood out for me sharper and chiller than it ever had before that night: the shape of a Cross etched on the history of the world" (88).
"It grew harder and harder. Even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. 'Will You carry this too, Lord Jesus?' But as the rest of the world grew stranger, one thing became increasingly clear. And that was the reason the two of us were here. Why others should suffer we were not shown. As for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not in ranks for roll call, our Bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope. Like waifs clustered around a blazing fire, we gathered about it, holding out our hearts to its warmth and life. The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the word of God. 'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.'...Life in Ravensbruck took place on two separate levels, mutually impossible. One, the observable, external life, grew every day more horrible. The other, the life we lived with God, grew daily better, truth upon truth, glory upon glory" (177-178).
"...when we've lost a friend, when a dream has failed, when we seem to have nothing left in the world to make life beautiful--that's when God says: You're richer than you think" (221).
One of the hardest things that Danny and I have had to come to grips with over the past three months is the idea of death. Death is probably one of the most feared events, simply because it is inevitable and it is something that we cannot understand. Losing a loved one has long been a fear of mine, and being faced with the possibility of losing a son has often been impossible for me to grasp or deal with. The Hiding Place describes times when death was not only eminent, it was a daily aspect of life for the people in the story. At one point, Corrie tells her dad that she wouldn't be able to bear it if he died, and her dad responds with one of the wisest statements I have yet heard in regards to death. "...our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things too," Corrie's father states, "Don't run ahead of Him Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need--just in time." Danny and I have come to the realization that no matter when our Lord chooses to take Jace into His arms, we will have the strength at that moment to let him go.
Personally, I've struggled recently to be content with the circumstances I find myself in. Sometimes I look at Jace and I wish desperately that he were well, that things were normal. I've realized that in wishing this I'm basing happiness or contentment on what's going on around me or how comfortable I feel. In the Hiding Place, Corrie's mom makes a statement that I constantly carry with me: "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings, Corrie. It's something we make inside ourselves" (37). I am often reminded of Paul's statement in Philippians 4:11-13--"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned that in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." In other words, Christ can give us the strength to have contentment no matter what circumstance or situation we are in.
There are so many wonderful quotes in this book, that it would take me weeks to sit down and write about my thoughts on each one of them. Instead, I will simply write the quotes down for you to read and work your mind over. My hope is that these quotes bless and teach you as much as they blessed and taught Danny and I.
"But if God has shown us bad times ahead, it's enough for me that He knows about them. That's why He sometimes shows us things, you know--to tell us that this too is in His hands" (63).
"There are no 'if's' in God's world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety--O Corrie, let us pray that we may always know it" (67)!
"Love. How did one show it? How could God Himself show truth and love at the same time in a world like this? By dying. The answer stood out for me sharper and chiller than it ever had before that night: the shape of a Cross etched on the history of the world" (88).
"It grew harder and harder. Even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. 'Will You carry this too, Lord Jesus?' But as the rest of the world grew stranger, one thing became increasingly clear. And that was the reason the two of us were here. Why others should suffer we were not shown. As for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not in ranks for roll call, our Bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope. Like waifs clustered around a blazing fire, we gathered about it, holding out our hearts to its warmth and life. The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the word of God. 'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.'...Life in Ravensbruck took place on two separate levels, mutually impossible. One, the observable, external life, grew every day more horrible. The other, the life we lived with God, grew daily better, truth upon truth, glory upon glory" (177-178).
"...when we've lost a friend, when a dream has failed, when we seem to have nothing left in the world to make life beautiful--that's when God says: You're richer than you think" (221).
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Today has been more than just a little bit of sunshine, it's been one of the best days I can remember since little Jace was born. Not only did we receive encouraging news from the Cardiologist about Jace's heart, but our little man has continually amazed his mama today.
The cardiologist, in going back through Jace's echocardiograms done on May 23rd, informed us that while his VSD is still fairly large, it's not as big as previously thought. In addition, the VSD is located higher between the ventricles, across a membrane, giving more of a chance to the hole to close up on its own, which would be the greatest miracle I've ever seen God perform in my life, that's for sure.
Jace never ceases to amaze me. I'm realizing the joys of being a mom who is blessed to be able to stay home with her child. Each new day I discover new little habits, facial expressions, and personality. Today I've received at least three tiny smiles, a record so far. I've discovered that little man likes the camera and the video recorder: the past couple of days he's been looking straight at me when I'm recording or taking a picture, which of course has allowed me to get little faces that I'll be able to cherish forever.
No matter what tomorrow brings, I think I can safely say I am content with today and its constant blessings. I wouldn't trade a thousand tomorrows for a beautiful today.
The cardiologist, in going back through Jace's echocardiograms done on May 23rd, informed us that while his VSD is still fairly large, it's not as big as previously thought. In addition, the VSD is located higher between the ventricles, across a membrane, giving more of a chance to the hole to close up on its own, which would be the greatest miracle I've ever seen God perform in my life, that's for sure.
Jace never ceases to amaze me. I'm realizing the joys of being a mom who is blessed to be able to stay home with her child. Each new day I discover new little habits, facial expressions, and personality. Today I've received at least three tiny smiles, a record so far. I've discovered that little man likes the camera and the video recorder: the past couple of days he's been looking straight at me when I'm recording or taking a picture, which of course has allowed me to get little faces that I'll be able to cherish forever.
No matter what tomorrow brings, I think I can safely say I am content with today and its constant blessings. I wouldn't trade a thousand tomorrows for a beautiful today.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Jace Garrett Steinhaus arrived on March 20th, 2008, at 9:36am. He weighed a whopping 4lbs, 1oz and was whisked immediately away after birth to the neo region of St. Luke's Labor and Delivery. I remember seeing him seconds after his birth, with wide open eyes, even though he couldn't cry because he wasn't breathing. The neo team intubated little Jace, assessed him, and then after about 45 minutes wheeled him in to my room in an isolation box so that Danny and I could see our son before he was taken over to Texas Childrens. Our journey with Jace, which had already seemed so long and uncertain, had only just begun.
During the next 24hrs, Danny and I were bombarded with a list of the problems doctors found with our son. Along with other things, xrays indicated that Jace was probably missing the middle part of his brain, and that his esophagus was malformed and attached to his lung, which of course would inhibit any type of feeding. An ultrasound of Jace's heart revealed that he had a large hole between his two Ventricles, causing extra blood to flow to his lungs instead of to the lower part of his body. On top of all this, Danny and I were further informed that genetic studies of our son indicated that he had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18, a disorder which occurs randomly during meiosis like Down Syndrome, but which is considered lethal because of the extreme problems these babies are born with. Basically, it's a miracle little Jace ever made it to birth. The larger portion of babies with Trisomy 18 don't make it through the entire gestational period, and those who do have very short predicted life-spans.
Needless to say, this news was extremely hard for both Danny and I to hear. Over the next several weeks with Jace, we took him off of the respirator and decided to put him through surgery to fix his esophagus and put in a g-tube into the stomach for feeding. After over five weeks in Texas Childrens, Danny and I finally got to bring Jace home last Friday.
It's been a wonderful week with our son at home. Although Jace is still feeding into his g-tube, and he still has a hole in his heart, he looks and acts like a normal baby except for his abnormally small size. The doctors still predict a grim and short future for our son, but Danny and I are holding onto Christ. Nobody can predict how long or how short our lives are. Knowing that our son has a potentially lethal genetic disorder has driven Danny and I to realize the meaning of living each day as though it were our last day. We are enjoying Jace today...not knowing about and trying not to worry about tomorrow.
Keep our little son in your prayers! He is a miracle...and he reminds us every day of God's grace. Children are truly a blessing, and we wouldn't trade our little Jace Garrett for anything. :)
Looking to Jesus ~
During the next 24hrs, Danny and I were bombarded with a list of the problems doctors found with our son. Along with other things, xrays indicated that Jace was probably missing the middle part of his brain, and that his esophagus was malformed and attached to his lung, which of course would inhibit any type of feeding. An ultrasound of Jace's heart revealed that he had a large hole between his two Ventricles, causing extra blood to flow to his lungs instead of to the lower part of his body. On top of all this, Danny and I were further informed that genetic studies of our son indicated that he had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18, a disorder which occurs randomly during meiosis like Down Syndrome, but which is considered lethal because of the extreme problems these babies are born with. Basically, it's a miracle little Jace ever made it to birth. The larger portion of babies with Trisomy 18 don't make it through the entire gestational period, and those who do have very short predicted life-spans.
Needless to say, this news was extremely hard for both Danny and I to hear. Over the next several weeks with Jace, we took him off of the respirator and decided to put him through surgery to fix his esophagus and put in a g-tube into the stomach for feeding. After over five weeks in Texas Childrens, Danny and I finally got to bring Jace home last Friday.
It's been a wonderful week with our son at home. Although Jace is still feeding into his g-tube, and he still has a hole in his heart, he looks and acts like a normal baby except for his abnormally small size. The doctors still predict a grim and short future for our son, but Danny and I are holding onto Christ. Nobody can predict how long or how short our lives are. Knowing that our son has a potentially lethal genetic disorder has driven Danny and I to realize the meaning of living each day as though it were our last day. We are enjoying Jace today...not knowing about and trying not to worry about tomorrow.
Keep our little son in your prayers! He is a miracle...and he reminds us every day of God's grace. Children are truly a blessing, and we wouldn't trade our little Jace Garrett for anything. :)
Looking to Jesus ~
“I searched for love when the night came and it closed in.
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding.
Now I’ll never ever be the same.
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying
‘You’re not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
All your life.’
You cry yourself to sleep,
‘cause your hurt is real and the pain cuts deep.
All hope seems lost,
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone.
You’ve had to face the music on your own
But here is a sweeter song that calls you home.
‘You’re not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
All your life.’
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you.”
~Meredith Andrews- You’re Not Alone
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